“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” Ambrose Bierce
If hard conversations were easy, they would call them easy conversations. Duh! Is there such a thing as easy conversations? Are there conversations at all anymore? Have we all moved to texts, emails, and office chat applications? Some days I wonder. I’m not on a rant here. I too value the ease of modern technology. I was pleasantly surprised and advantaged when applications such as Microsoft Teams and Slack appeared. But I’m old enough and wise enough to know the downsides. I’ve done a ton of coaching on communication. I’ve developed a course on it. In the course I ask participants where certain messages belong – especially ones which would qualify as hard.
Hard conversations (Rob Campbell’s definition) are interpersonal interactions between one of more parties where negative emotions such as disappointment, anger, or sadness might exist. We typically think of hard conversations happening between two people. That is what I’ll address here.
Leaders must have hard conversations. They must be interpersonal and done in a private setting. A leader cannot lead unless they are willing to do so. There is an art to hard conversations. Anger such as yelling, using profanity and insulting is never merited. Hard conversations should occur as calmly as possible. There should be an objective with hard conversations – a desired end state and greater good. Winning is not an example. Clearer understanding, communicating disappointment, or delivering admonishment for bad performance or behavior are better examples of why a leader would engage in a hard conversation.
The art to hard conversations begins at the moment a leader meets a new subordinate. It is here, through interpersonal conversation that a leader builds trust with his or her new teammate. It begins when the leader shows genuine interest in the subordinate wanting to know more about them. It builds through word and deed as the leader creates a safe and fulfilling environment for the subordinate to work. It builds as the leader displays vulnerability, seeks the input of the subordinate and treats him or her with respect. It is only after this foundation of trust, respect, and psychological safety that hard conversations can occur.
I don’t seek hard conversations. I would question a leader who does. I am confident in saying that I’ve had hard conversations with just about every person I’ve led. Some have been challenging and emotional, others more composed. Most of my hard conversations wind up with a good outcome. That good outcome may not come at the end of the conversation, but it can eventually through follow up, listening, even apologizing when necessary. I’m better at them because I’ve had lots of practice, and I often find myself coaching other leaders how to conduct the hard conversations they must have.
Because I’ve had hard conversations my people perform better. Because I’ve had hard conversations, I’ve increased the trust between myself and my subordinates. Because I’ve had hard conversations my people have learned lessons, they will carry forward the remainder of their days. Because I’ve had hard conversations the love and respect between myself, and a subordinate has only grown. Because I’ve had hard conversations, I’m a better leader and person. Because I’ve had hard conversations my people and my businesses perform superbly.
Indeed, some hard conversations do not have happy endings – such as a termination of employment for an egregious offense. I don’t always get them right and, after many of them, I have not slept well. I guess my restless nights are a sign that I care because I do. I never engage in hard conversations to bring a person down. Quite the opposite. I’m trying to show them I have their best interest in mind. That intent is probably the hardest to communicate when emotions are flowing and I’m being critical, but I try my hardest to ensure that is understood.
Have hard conversations when it is needed, several perhaps until you achieve your intent. Don’t delay. Go after problems before they worsen which they will if left unaddressed. Form your intent – a better outcome. Muster the courage, remain calm, and converse. You’ll have a better subordinate, better trust, and a better team because you had hard conversations.
Make it Personal!
Rob
For more blogs: https://www.robcampbellleadership.com/blogs
